5th November 2022
I’ve been thinking about decision making. How to make intuitive, embodied choices. What it means to truly access and then trust that felt sense. It’s not easy, I’m conditioned in many ways to start thinking through challenges with my rational mind. I don’t always feel confident to be led by the vulnerable, sensitive, emotional part of me, shutting down its needs out of a fear of being too needy or lazy or sad or out of control. But it’s been gently coaxed out recently and I’m holding space to hear what it has to say and move from this place. (not in small part because of coming off the hormonal pill. yikes. any tips for managing the cycle?)
An example. I’m a month into my latest adventure. The IIPP MPA has kicked off and it’s been a firehose of newness. 70 new classmates, a new campus to explore, new professors, new schedule, new knowledge and ideas. (It was Day 1 that it clicked that an MPA is the public sector equivalent of an MBA, which was, for some reason, even more intimidating.) I’m a student again. I float between feeling entirely overwhelmed and out of my depth, imposter syndrome creeping in, and overflowing with excitement to be around brilliant minds ready to be a sponge.
My intention, before starting, was to do the thing in 2 years. Part-time alongside working 4 days at PwC. As classes started I felt this overwhelming panic and dread. The readings for my two modules felt insurmountable. Whilst Monday lectures were manageable as my non-working day, Tuesdays were impossible as I tried in vain to juggle work work and 3 hours of seminars.
I felt constricted and tight, like I was making a mistake and that I was going to sink. The only way I would make it work is if I dedicated every evening and weekend to school and gave up life as I knew it for 2 years. My body said absolutely nope, no way, not going to happen. And then someone mentioned the modular/flexible pathway for completing the MPA. All the same materials, you just have 5 years to complete in any way you choose, rather than 2.
Huh. I asked friends what they thought. One wisely suggested I use outcomes based thinking. What was I trying to get from this experience? Well for me it was truly to learn, be immersed in the Institute and to meet lots of cool people in the space. Which, when I thought about it, made a lot more sense on a slower pathway. Up to 5 years to learn, flexibility on how and when I take modules, getting to know lots of different people and bonus… I could split the cost over a longer period of time. It immediately felt right, I sent the email to UCL, dropped down to one module this term and everything in me relaxed, I felt aligned to what I wanted and needed.
As I’ve started tuning into embodied decisions over the past few weeks, they’ve been coming thick and fast. My rational mind has taken a back seat and I’ve made some pretty bold, speedy and ultimately, aligned decisions. A spontaneous trip up to Birmingham to see the work of Civic Square and the Doughnut Economics Action Lab, resigning as a director from Impactful, sending some honest and vulnerable messages to loved ones, giving myself a weekend to rest and ground and saying no to plans that don’t feel right.
What I’ve found hardest about this is that I don’t know what's going to happen next. I’m so used to thinking, overthinking and planning out every potential eventuality. I don’t know how people will respond to my actions, which, as a people pleaser by nature, is slightly terrifying, but I’m starting to take less responsibility for that.
Also, I remind myself that most decisions aren’t permanent, they can just be right for right now. I have therapy to thank for this shift. Four months into weekly sessions, we’re breaking some ground. It’s a relief and a privilege to have this space.
What I’ve found is that I need signals that make it feel safe to make these choices. Safety in my own body. It came first from therapy, and it’s spilling over slowly into my interactions with others and in the ability to create safety for myself.
What’s equally interesting to me is that I’m not trying to get to a place where I can self care and self heal all by myself. I don’t want to be independent and self reliant, meeting all my own needs, that’s exactly the pattern I’m trying to break. I want to be needier and dependent and ask those who care about me to take care of me sometimes. I don’t believe that we are solely responsible for our own wellbeing. We can all take better care of one another. I’d like to care for and be cared for.
So, if you need a little love or care, please reach out. Thank you for every little bit of love from you all too. I feel incredibly lucky to have so much care in my life.
I don’t even know where to begin on all the other stuff that’s been floating around in my brain over the past few weeks so here is a random assortment of stuff that I can’t get enough of right now:
Everything, everywhere all at once - fuck me, I genuinely balled my eyes out the whole way through this absurd film. I am Waymond.
Brown girls do it too - I feel like I’m like two years late to the South Asian wave of awesome, creative shit that’s been happening recently. Where the hell have I been?! Another stumbleupon, thank you Dee for this one. Honestly the most fun and filthy chat by the most hilarious brown women. Literal snort in public funny.
The Benefits of not being a jerk to yourself by Dan Harris. - just a reminder to be as gentle and kind to yourself as possible friends. My fav quote at the end, ‘The view is so much better when you pull your head out of your ass’. 😬
Why Eroticism Should Be Part of your Self-Care Plan by Esther Perel - speaks to the embodiment chat. Tuning into our bodies and taking responsibility for our own desire. Mmm.
Ethnic Food with Krishnendu Ray - fascinating conversation on the Brown History Pod about the history and dynamics at play with immigrant food.
Anand Giridharadas with Brené Brown - I think this book and its subject matter speaks to much of what is going wrong between people and shows us how we could possibly build better bridges. It’s made me think about, and access, the art of persuasion in a whole new way, and I honestly feel like it’s going to have to be the root practice of any systems change we want to see.
Tara Brach: Radical Acceptance - its been on my list for a long while but finally diving in and it has not disappointed. One of the best meditation teachers/psychologists out there, really lovely to reconnect with Vipassana meditation and philosophy again.
If books could kill - ahhhh. Michael Hobbs from my beloved Maintenance Phase has started another pod and its brilliant. Mythbusting terrible airport books. Starting with Freakonomics which I lapped up in my youth and now am embarrassed at how terrible and plain wrong it was.
Quote I’m thinking about, on the subject of feeling our feels;
‘Taste is just knowing how something makes you feel’ - Line from My Policeman
I promise next time I’ll try and articulate some of the cool shit we’re thinking about on the MPA.
Until then, sending love and autumnal cuddles to all, R x